The Back-Up Plan

The Back-Up Plan is the movie they should show the condemned while they ride the ferry crossing the river Styx.

Jennifer Lopez stars as Zoe - a New York City girl (from the block) who is worried she won't find Prince Charming (or, to be more truthful, Prince Abs and Booty, since that's what's more important these days), buy a cute little house on a Cul de Sac in the suburbs and hear the pitter patter of little feet running across the reclaimed timber wood floor.

Instead of waiting around, Zoe decides it is time to take matters into her own hands (and those of her doctor), and gets artificially inseminated. Of course, this is when she meets the dude with the perfect 2-day growth of stubble on his face and nicely sculpted abs, Stan (Alex O'Loughlin).

Will Stan want to stick around as Zoe moves from trimester to trimester?

Is Zoe ready and willing to let a man into her life?

Almost everything about the movie is rehashed, horribly conceived, and miscast.

First, it starts with Lopez, who should not be playing this role, no matter how much she might desire to. She is Jenny From The Block with a sexiness, boldness and toughness that doesn't fit Zoe. In The Back-Up Plan, Lopez is trying much too hard to be the cute little weeping waif girl who needs the audience to take her into their arms and console her when life gets tough. That's not her style (That's Jennifer Aniston, not Jennifer Lopez).

Lopez is able to kick trouble in the butt and chase it down the street until it gives up and begs for mercy. Even 10 or 15 years ago, Lopez could not play this role. It yields a performance that is forced and phony at every turn.

Second, O'Loughlin is a dead fish. He lacks charisma, soul and any fire to grab your attention. Sure, he looks good with his shirt off and probably had his teeth properly whitened before shooting The Back-Up Plan, but he doesn't have any screen presence. Most of the time, he is upstaged by the dog who plays Zoe's pet.

Then, The Back-Up Plan feels like a soundtrack with a movie tossed in as the music dominates when the screenplay can't do anything to get us excited (maybe it is more important to sell some downloads and CDs than to tell a story).

Finally, director Alan Poul and writer Kate Angelo fill the movie with lots of stupid slapstick and too many attempts at gross out humor that feel out of place in this movie (or poorly designed to make the husbands and boyfriends who got dragged to see it feel like they belong in the theater).

The rest of The Back-Up Plan appears to be the worst formulaic movie ever written with the wacky and quirky looking best friend, sassy co-workers, senior citizens who make outrageous statements in between doling out life advice (only works when it's Betty White), a child birth scene that makes you think every woman who is giving birth is partially possessed by the devil, and the "crazy" rush to the hospital when the lead character's water breaks at the most inopportune time. Then, Poul and Angelo try to toss in some drama!

Only Anthony Anderson and his few scenes as the experienced, wise guy Dad kept me awake.

The Back-Up Plan is rated PG-13 for sexual content including references, some crude material and language.